jumping ahead of will.

“Beware of getting ahead of God by your very desire to do His will. We run ahead of Him in a thousand and one activities, becoming so burdened with people and problems that we don’t worship God, and we fail to intercede.” – Oswald Chambers

Two weeks ago, my principal told me that Ernest Hemingway wrote 500 words every morning before he did anything else. He was telling me this for two reasons: one, we were discussing my lessons on authors for my students, and two, he knows that I’m leaving teaching next year specifically to pursue writing (the most terrifying decision I have ever made, ever). My principal likes to give me wisdom in sneaky, fantastic ways, so that I have to chew over it for a while before I realize that it applies to me. Tricky. But back to the 500 words. Now, I don’t necessarily want to follow in the exact footsteps of Mr. Hemingway; something about his exodus from the world seems a bit unappealing to me, but getting words onto paper (or in my case, onto a screen) on a regular basis… I like that. I could do 500 words. Therefore, in order to be obstinate, I plan to do 501.

This week has been a weird one for me. Too much free time, too much caffeine, too many things I need to do, and too many people gone. My best friend moved to Iowa today. She and her husband are moving out there for two years (at least) so that he can go to P.A. school. I am beyond excited for them, and I think it will be really good for them to get out of here and go experience some life together. Nevertheless, as previously stated, I am a selfish being, and watching a person leave, the person who I have shared everything with for the last eight years… it wasn’t easy. Now, when I think of Iowa, I will think of more than just corn. I will also think, friend stealer. Hmph.

So now I sit. I’m house sitting for my parents for the week, which means I am living in the house and town that I grew up in again, and that just always feels a little weird. It really hasn’t even been that long since I was living here full time, and I am thankful that for the week, I don’t have to pay for my own heat, water, or electricity. Plus, I get to hangout with my dog, Bailey. He is getting OLD, so it’s probably good that I can see him for a bit. I don’t want him to die. The last time I had a pet die, it was my pet bunny. My sisters ran it over with the minivan when I was in second grade. Funny now, horrifying when you’re eight.

Right now I’m drinking my third cup of coffee and trying to figure out if I am trying to jump ahead of God’s will. People keep leaving, maybe I should too. These are my constant thoughts. Where would I go? Wherever God tells me to go, right? But what if He lets me choose? There is nothing that scares me more than making my own decisions. What is convicting me the most at the moment is that, often, the second I finally choose to give something specific to God, like a relationship, a job, a place… the minute I actually relinquish control, and the battle ends, I feel myself release a bit from God. Do I need that tension, that constant strong direction, in order to feel close to God? Why is it that we so often only look to our Savior when we are struggling with a choice? I never want to think of God as my magic eight ball. Jesus, should I buy a rifle and a parka and move to Alaska? *shake shake shake* Try back later. Dangit.

Sometimes I think that God forces me to constantly stress about make bigger decisions just to lead me back into His presence. The constant unrest that my life has seemed to be for the last several years is quite possibly God’ way of keeping my heart tethered to His will. Perhaps if I spent more time worshiping, (not singing with my eyes closed, but LIFE worshiping), instead of stressing, rest would come easier. Not sleep or laziness, rest. Because honestly, what is worship if not a constant communion with my Savior? That sounds pretty sweet, I’m really not sure why I don’t take Him up on this offer more often.

Something to think about today.

765 words. Take that, Ernest.

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2 Responses to jumping ahead of will.

  1. Erin Shirkey - sister/bunny killer says:

    We killed Emily Bunny in the blue bomb car not the minivan. I know it was traumatic enough for you that probably don’t remember the actual murder weapon through your torrent of tears but let me refresh your memory as to what a wonderous vehicle the blue bomb was. Broken Radio? check. Broken passenger seat? check. we had to brace it with a 4X4 to keep it from sliding back and forth while driving. broken passenger’s side door? check check. Luckily the dukes of hazzard showed us the easy answer there. I appreciate that your heart goes on for Emily Bunny, but seriosly – remember the tumors on that rabbit? sick. Happy Easter Bunny to you dear little sister. Love you.

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